It Just Might Be Your Fault: Menfolk Edition

Here is the second part in my "Whose Fault?" series. It took me no time to write and two weeks to decide to publish. I spent a lot of time wondering what authority I had to tell men how to look at women. I felt a little hypocritical. Heck, I have had more than a few conversations about how attractive people are with men and women alike; what gives me the right to narrow that field of discussion to only things I deem empowering?! The answer is: no one. The only authority I have is one of a woman who has heard men talk about women as if their value is based solely upon their proximity to visual perfection. I wish to impress that one should simply be aware of what he says about women. It does not mean that you can never say a woman is gorgeous or gaze longingly at a magazine cover. That would be silly. It just means that you can do such things in moderation and with awareness as to who is listening. That said...


To all my fathers, boyfriends, big brothers, little brothers, friends who happen to be boys, and general menfolk:

Are you tired of hearing women constantly complain about their bodies? Do you cringe when your lady friend asks you if she looks fat in a dress? Is the constant yo-yo dieting in your general vicinity making you believe that all women are completely insane?

If you answered yes to any or all of these questions, guess what? You, also, might be the problem.*

Seriously, guys, I’m not trying to come down on all of you. This is an issue that’s been around for a long time. At some point, you unwittingly learned some behaviors that sabotage the girls and women in your life. It’s not your fault, but you can improve things if you only think about why women have such difficulty dealing with their bodies.

We are constantly bombarded by images of women that are simply unattainable for most of us. Then, someone takes these already unattainable images and airbrushes away anything that could be conceived as an imperfection. This includes things like removing any signs that the woman has pores, removing pimples (because the model is likely an adolescent) and getting rid of dark circles. They’ve also been known to use the computer to reposition eyes to be more symmetrical or lighten darker skin to make women of non-white lineage have a “more accessible beauty” to white people. Want proof? Here’s an image of Jennifer Lopez from the nineties (before we really cared who J-lo was) beside a more recent one.







It’s a little sick, isn’t it? She’s a gorgeous woman, but they still feel the need to modify her. And this is what we deal with every day.

By now, some of you are probably asking what you could do to fix this situation. You don’t put those images out there. You didn’t start the fire (enjoy the ear-worm, by the way). What could you possibly do to help?

Well, you can stop staring at twenty year olds whose bodies haven’t fully exited adolescence, yet. Don’t ogle over the paintings in magazines that are disguised as actual women. Stop talking about how hot Megan Fox is and start talking about the things that you like about the women you’re around. When a full-figured or mature woman disrobes for film (a la Kathy Bates), don't let her become a punchline.

Fathers, make sure that the things that you say about other women are things that you would feel comfortable hearing said about your own daughters. How you look at women is how your daughters will assume all men look at women. How you talk about women is how your sons learn whether to value a full bust or a full brain.

Men, we don't like to admit it, but you hold some power over how we ladies feel about ourselves during out lifetimes. As little girls, we look to the older men in our lives to show us what men expect from women. As we get older, we listen to who you talk about as desirable. If you laud a porn star and call Hillary Clinton a b*tch, you cannot be surprised when your daughters/girlfriends/sisters learn to shut their mouths and open their blouses.

I am lucky. The Richmond men in my life are enormously supportive and forward-thinking fellas. If I had a dime for every time Lucas said that he thought an actress needed to be fed or wear less makeup, we would-well...we would have a lot of dimes. But a lot of women aren't as lucky as I am. They don't have a Lucas in their corner. They need to be told to be proud of who they are and what they look like.

If they chronically self-deprecate, encourage them to only say things about themselves that they would say to someone else.

Let them know that you know what is presented to us in the media is a false sense of "perfection".

Finally, and most importantly, never hold them to a visual standard that you could not conform to yourself. By doing so, you restrict the value of a person to that which inevitably fades instead of embracing the beauty of spirit that can grow infinitely with each passing year.

This is Actress Geek saying to give someone a chance to be wonderful who you may never have considered before. They may not fit the "standard", but you just might be surprised at the awesome they will bring to your life.


*I really want to emphasize that I understand that women are not the only gender with body issues. Though I think that it is safe to argue that, for the most part, women have a higher number of impossible standards of beauty placed upon them, I understand that men deal with these things, too. I’m not speaking to that issue today. I’m talking ‘bout the ladies. If any gentlemen would like to talk about men's body issues, I would be glad to post it here.




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