Indebted

I have a confession to make.

Before going back to WW, it had been two years since I had set foot on a scale. I managed to live for two full years without any knowledge of whether or not I’d gained or lost weight. The thought of that astounds me until I think about why I wouldn’t set foot on that scale. I used to tell myself things like

“I’ll cut back for awhile and then I’ll weigh myself when the number won’t be quite as big.”

“I can still wear this dress, so I could only have gained so much.”

“I’ll see what the damage is when I have time to do something about it.”

I would play the mirror game every day. You know this game whether you think you do or not. You put on some clothes and stare at yourself in the mirror, trying to figure out if it looks looser or tighter. If it’s looser, then you’re on the right track. If it’s tighter, it just came out of the dryer (even if you haven’t done laundry in two weeks). Eventually, you start playing the game with stretchy leggings and a long, loose tunic and telling yourself that it’s not cheating because you can tell how they feel.

But it is cheating. Not having regular checkpoints with yourself does not work.

For me, not weighing regularly is like using a credit card for a month without checking the balance. You spend and spend without any knowledge of what you’ve accumulated until it’s an impossible sum. By the time you realize what you’ve done, it could take months or years to pay it off, plus interest.

That’s where I am right now. I’m in debt to my body. I’ve spent more than I can pay and I owe a lot of interest. But the good news is this:

I can pay down this debt.

Little by little, day by day, I can get myself back to where I need to be. I made my first payment today in the amount of 2.6 pounds and 3 inches.

Next week, I’ll pay it down a little more.