How to Find a Gym: A Guide for Your Average Lazy Person

So, you’re twenty something days into your resolution and you have started thinking about finding a gym.  That’s great, but where do you go?  The sheer number of available programs can seem pretty daunting, especially to someone who has never had a gym membership (or never used one).  Well, as it turns out, I have some experience in that area and am willing to take you through the tips that I think will help you to choose the right gym.  

Keep in mind, I am your average lazy person.  I want to make things work with as little disruption to my life as possible.  If you think that you'll drive thirty minutes out of your way five times a week to get buffed up for bikini season, feel free to disregard everything I am about to say.  However, chances are, if you're reading this blog, you're not that guy.  You've probably already tried and failed before and that's okay.  I'm here to help narrow the margin for failure by making this process easier by getting you to ask yourself the following questions...

1.     How much do you have to spend each month on fitness?

The average fitness professional will answer this question with “How much is your health worth?”  Well, I get what they are saying, but I have a budget to keep.  My rule of how much I can spend on a gym membership is simple.

Your gym membership should cost no more than your average nice night out.

Now, this doesn’t count special occasions like anniversaries and such where you’re sure to spend more than usual.  This is your fun night out with friends or a small scale date night.  For me, that’s something to the effect of dinner and a movie which is somewhere in the $30-$40 range.  I live on a small budget, so anything I add to that budget usually means sacrificing something else.  I can sacrifice one night out a month for a month’s worth of health. 

 Whether you use my model or your own, make sure that what you are paying is worth it to you.  If having a gym membership means you can no longer afford to do the things you love, you’ll come to resent the gym and that’s a recipe for failure.

Now that you know what you’re willing to spend…

2.       Proximity.  Where is this place and how do you get there?

If you are like me, other than price, your location in proximity to the gym is the most important aspect of being successful.  It is more important than what the gym has, what classes it offers, how trendy it is.  Your gym should be really easy to get to because, if it’s not, you’re going to find excuses.

Your gym should either be on the way to your most visited location or ridiculously close to your house.  For me, anything that is more than a ten minute drive from my house means that I have to consider the price of gas to get there and the time commitment of driving back and forth.  Some of you are probably saying that that just shows how lazy I am.  Well, maybe.  I am not writing a gym finding guide for the non-lazy person.  But, before you get all judgy, I’d like to ask you a question:

  

When was the last time you decided to push going to grocery store to “tomorrow” because you didn't feel like driving out? 

The average person can get to their grocery store in well under ten minutes.  I can find plenty of excuses not to exercise without adding distance to the gym to the list.

I chose a gym that was five minutes from my house instead of the one that has a ton of classes.  I get to my Gold’s Gym 3-6 times a week without stretching myself.  The shorter distance means that I can talk myself into working out at the last minute even if I’m already in my pajamas.

3.      Do you know what you like to do?

This might seem like a silly question, but it makes sense.  So many people join gyms before finding out whether they even like the activities that gym offers.  I had a friend sign up for a membership at a yoga studio because yoga was supposed to be such a good workout.  She promptly discovered that she hated yoga.  She hated the quiet.  She hated picturing her feet becoming roots into the floor and her body twisting out impurities.  But, most of all, she hated paying $50 a month for something she wasn’t going to use.

Choosing a gym isn’t the first step in your exercise health.  You have to rock a little Socrates and know thyself.  Most gyms require at least a year commitment, so figure out what you like first.  Sites like Living Social often offer packages that give you several classes and sometimes even personal training for a pittance; so, you can try lots of new things to figure out if you like bootcamp or boxing, Zumba or zombie runs.  Also, remember that you can usually try out a gym for a week or two for free to figure out if you like the people who work there, the classes, etc.  So, don’t feel pressured into making a commitment until you’re sure you like the place.

Keep Being Healthy

Keep being healthy.  

Weight is an indicator of trends, not success.  Keep being healthy.  

You might lose a ton of weight just by working at being healthier.  

You might not lose a single pound by being healthier.

But you will be healthier.

If you're only doing it for a dress, or the after picture, or a pat on the back, you'll fail.  They might be short-term motivators, but they aren't the big time.  There will always be another dress to fit into and the pats on the back will subside as other people's after pictures get noticed.  Those things don't matter.  They feel good and, by God, those things should, but they don't matter.  Those things are byproducts.  Who buys a cow for its byproducts?  Keep being healthy.

A year and I half ago, I leveled off with weight loss.  I was still losing inches and gaining a few in places where I’ve become more muscular, but I didn’t lose a pound from the end of 2011 until August of 2012.  I didn’t gain any weight, either.  I kept being healthy.

I could have quit, as I have done in the past, but I didn’t.  I kept being healthy and I am satisfied in knowing that I’m succeeding on my own terms. 

You see, the industry tries to put requirements on your success.  They tell you that if you haven’t lost a pound this week, you’ve failed.  Don’t worry, though, they also have something for you to try and it will only cost you a little.

Don’t let the people who want your money set the requirements for your success. 

When the new fad surfaces and all of your friends are eating only monk-blessed freeze-dried kale and are touting behind jaundiced eyes how they’ve lost 30 pounds this month and it only cost them $250, you can do something the industry doesn’t expect.

You can keep being healthy.

Why You're Resolving to Fail and Other New Year's Tips

I’m seeing a lot of people out there talking about their resolutions.  They have resolved to be on a strict new diet plan.  They’ve resolved to be hardcore at the gym every single day.  I have to say it aloud:  most of these people have the same New Year’s Resolution every year and that is to fail.  Before you decide on an all-or-nothing approach to health for the New Year, I would like to say to you a few things:

How many times have you adhered to a strict diet or exercise program before and how many times has it worked?  By worked, I mean are you still on that path or did you quit a few days or weeks in?  If every other time failed, what is different today than from a year ago?

Let me be clear.  I do not say these things to discourage folks from making positive changes in their lives, but to steer those changes into navigable waters.  Make smaller changes better and permanent. 

If you are looking for a workout program, start smaller and be consistent.  Go to classes at the gym and learn new ways to accomplish old goals. 

You don’t start working out for the first time with P90X for the same reason that you don’t start reading for the first time with Dostoevsky:  if it starts out too hard, you’ll never keep going.  You’ll be more successful by walking three times a week than doing Insanity once a month.

Don’t let jealousy drive you to make stupid decisions regarding your health.  Five percent of your friends may lose twenty pounds in a month doing something stupid. Ninety percent of them will gain back thirty.  I’d rather be getting healthier for good over a lifetime than dropping fast and failing in a month and a half.

Everyone has a friend who is thinner than them who talks about how fat they are.  That friend doesn't realize that she’s being an inconsiderate narcissist.  Now that you know how rude that is, you can resolve not to be that friend.

Find better ways to talk about yourself.  It’s okay to say, “I’m working on making my abs more toned.”  It’s not okay to say, “ I've got to get my fat @&$ to the gym.”

Don’t let one moment on the scale be your guide.  I hop on the scale every morning.  One day to the next can be a difference of five pounds.  Let the scale show you how you’re trending, not whether you’re succeeding or failing.

Finally, enjoy your infrequent binges.  I loved every moment of not thinking about my Christmas feasts.  I also enjoyed the salad I ate two days ago.  Both were my choice.  I never felt out of control because I chose to eat a piece of rum cake.  I didn’t succumb to a temptation.  I chose to eat it because I wanted it.  Making choice a part of your health plan is the difference between joy and misery and often the difference between success and failure.

Let this year be one of joy and success.

It Just Might Be Your Fault: Menfolk Edition

Here is the second part in my "Whose Fault?" series. It took me no time to write and two weeks to decide to publish. I spent a lot of time wondering what authority I had to tell men how to look at women. I felt a little hypocritical. Heck, I have had more than a few conversations about how attractive people are with men and women alike; what gives me the right to narrow that field of discussion to only things I deem empowering?! The answer is: no one. The only authority I have is one of a woman who has heard men talk about women as if their value is based solely upon their proximity to visual perfection. I wish to impress that one should simply be aware of what he says about women. It does not mean that you can never say a woman is gorgeous or gaze longingly at a magazine cover. That would be silly. It just means that you can do such things in moderation and with awareness as to who is listening. That said...


To all my fathers, boyfriends, big brothers, little brothers, friends who happen to be boys, and general menfolk:

Are you tired of hearing women constantly complain about their bodies? Do you cringe when your lady friend asks you if she looks fat in a dress? Is the constant yo-yo dieting in your general vicinity making you believe that all women are completely insane?

If you answered yes to any or all of these questions, guess what? You, also, might be the problem.*

Seriously, guys, I’m not trying to come down on all of you. This is an issue that’s been around for a long time. At some point, you unwittingly learned some behaviors that sabotage the girls and women in your life. It’s not your fault, but you can improve things if you only think about why women have such difficulty dealing with their bodies.

We are constantly bombarded by images of women that are simply unattainable for most of us. Then, someone takes these already unattainable images and airbrushes away anything that could be conceived as an imperfection. This includes things like removing any signs that the woman has pores, removing pimples (because the model is likely an adolescent) and getting rid of dark circles. They’ve also been known to use the computer to reposition eyes to be more symmetrical or lighten darker skin to make women of non-white lineage have a “more accessible beauty” to white people. Want proof? Here’s an image of Jennifer Lopez from the nineties (before we really cared who J-lo was) beside a more recent one.







It’s a little sick, isn’t it? She’s a gorgeous woman, but they still feel the need to modify her. And this is what we deal with every day.

By now, some of you are probably asking what you could do to fix this situation. You don’t put those images out there. You didn’t start the fire (enjoy the ear-worm, by the way). What could you possibly do to help?

Well, you can stop staring at twenty year olds whose bodies haven’t fully exited adolescence, yet. Don’t ogle over the paintings in magazines that are disguised as actual women. Stop talking about how hot Megan Fox is and start talking about the things that you like about the women you’re around. When a full-figured or mature woman disrobes for film (a la Kathy Bates), don't let her become a punchline.

Fathers, make sure that the things that you say about other women are things that you would feel comfortable hearing said about your own daughters. How you look at women is how your daughters will assume all men look at women. How you talk about women is how your sons learn whether to value a full bust or a full brain.

Men, we don't like to admit it, but you hold some power over how we ladies feel about ourselves during out lifetimes. As little girls, we look to the older men in our lives to show us what men expect from women. As we get older, we listen to who you talk about as desirable. If you laud a porn star and call Hillary Clinton a b*tch, you cannot be surprised when your daughters/girlfriends/sisters learn to shut their mouths and open their blouses.

I am lucky. The Richmond men in my life are enormously supportive and forward-thinking fellas. If I had a dime for every time Lucas said that he thought an actress needed to be fed or wear less makeup, we would-well...we would have a lot of dimes. But a lot of women aren't as lucky as I am. They don't have a Lucas in their corner. They need to be told to be proud of who they are and what they look like.

If they chronically self-deprecate, encourage them to only say things about themselves that they would say to someone else.

Let them know that you know what is presented to us in the media is a false sense of "perfection".

Finally, and most importantly, never hold them to a visual standard that you could not conform to yourself. By doing so, you restrict the value of a person to that which inevitably fades instead of embracing the beauty of spirit that can grow infinitely with each passing year.

This is Actress Geek saying to give someone a chance to be wonderful who you may never have considered before. They may not fit the "standard", but you just might be surprised at the awesome they will bring to your life.


*I really want to emphasize that I understand that women are not the only gender with body issues. Though I think that it is safe to argue that, for the most part, women have a higher number of impossible standards of beauty placed upon them, I understand that men deal with these things, too. I’m not speaking to that issue today. I’m talking ‘bout the ladies. If any gentlemen would like to talk about men's body issues, I would be glad to post it here.




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Location:My house

Hello From the Farm

It is 8AM and I am sitting in a cabin by the Pocomoke River. The sun is sparkling on the water and birds are swooping in for their morning catch. Three of my best friends (one being my husband) are curled up on a giant floor palette after a night of Catchphrase and Apples to Apples and I can smell a hint of smoky vanilla in my hair where some really good whisky was spilled by the campfire last night.

If you can't tell, I am on vacation and it feels great.

I had every intention of posting my blog to the boys before we left and now I don't have the pictures I need, so I am posting this instead:

I am on vacation and I am not counting points.

Now some of you are thinking that I have gone insane, that this is not the Actress Geek you've come to know and love. I understand your trepidation and I feel it myself. This will be the first time that I have not tracked my food intake since starting Weight Watchers in January and I admit that I feel a little naked. For four days, I am flying without a net and it was a little scary...which is interesting because I had been looking forward to the great binge weekend for months now.

Who am I kidding? I was terrified that I would damage everything I worked for in four days. Yes, it was ridiculous to think that, but, quite frankly, I didn't get a weight problem without a few extremes in my life. Somewhere, in the recesses of my mind, there was someone telling me that I would gain 30.8 pounds back in four days and I kind of believed it. I had a moment where I freaked out right before I left.

Then, it all went away when I realized that I have been eating pretty healthily on this vacation.

Yes, I have indulged, but I have made some wise decisions, too. I got the waffle cone at Island Creamery, but only one scoop. I spent thirty minutes playing in the ocean for exercise and I have been eating the farm's fresh produce like it is going out of style.

The thing is, I am not doing these things because I fear the gain anymore. I realized yesterday that I am making these better choices because that is what I now prefer and that makes this the best vacation ever.

Well, my cohorts are now stirring, so I am going to cut this short, but before I do, I want to thank you for the outpouring of support that I am receiving from this blog. I never expected so many people would be touched by what I am doing and I am honored by that. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Until next time, this is your Actress Geek saying that you should forgive any mistakes that bloggers make as they post from their iPads whilst on vacation.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:The Farm

It Just Might Be Your Fault, Part One

To my mothers, big sisters, girlfriends, aunts, and other role models out there:

Have you ever complained about how we are constantly bombarded with images of women with bodies that are unreachable by most humans? How you’re tired of the gold standard of beauty being the fake, sliced, botox-filled, airbrushed tartlets posed contrapposto across the covers of various magazines with a certain lack of expression that can only indicate that they are too hungry to feel? Are you appalled that girls have started dieting and thinking about their weight in a negative way at younger and younger ages?

If you answered “yes” to any or all of these questions, then you deserve to know the truth of the matter. You might be the problem.

Yeah, I know. Stacie, you’re usually about the empowerment and the feel-good. Well, we’ll get to that, but sometimes you have to lay down a lot of manure before a plant can grow. The fact of the matter is that we all are to blame for the distorted standard of beauty running rampant and we’re teaching it to our daughters, cousins, godchildren, friends, and it has to stop. Now I know that some of you are saying right now,

“Hey, I am as ticked about this stuff as you are and I tell folks about it!”

And I’m sure you are, but are you practicing what you preach? How many of you chuckled a couple of years ago because Jessica Simpson looked so “fat” in her size 8 jeans? Do you applaud every time Beyonce goes from size thin to size skinnier? Don’t even get me started on the one thousand and one diets for celebrities who can afford a personal chef. What do you say about celebrities and their bodies and who is listening?

More importantly, what are you saying about yourself? I’ve known too many women and heard their negative self-talk.

“Oh, I’m not getting in a swimsuit this year. People will think I’m a beached whale.”

“I’m so tired of being fat.”

“I used to be so hot before I had my child.”

“Oh, she’s so thin. I just hate her.”

You aren’t just sabotaging yourself, you’re sabotaging your daughters and sons. You are telling your daughters that self-deprecation and insecurity is a desirable trait and how not to find themselves beautiful. You’re telling your sons that a woman’s worth is directly correlated to whether or not she has stretch marks from the act of giving him life. You’re telling them these things because they are listening. And they learn far quicker than you can possibly imagine. If you don’t believe me, look at the proof. I was in eighth grade the first time I tried a crash diet.

Listen, there are two things your child knows without question. They know that Mommy is always beautiful and they know that Mommy is always right. So what are you telling them when you hate your own body? Don’t worry, I’ll answer for you. You are telling them that they are wrong to think you are beautiful. You are teaching them to hate the pieces of you that they see in the mirror. You are redefining their image of beauty to fit a standard that they cannot hope to achieve. That is unfair and we all owe them an apology.

I am not saying this to make you feel like crap. I’m saying it because someone has to break the cycle and it might as well be us. It’s not too late to go from “uh oh, you got Gramma’s birthing hips” to “I bet you’d look great in a pencil skirt.” Instead of asking “does this make me look fat”, maybe try “how do you like this dress on me?” If you are going through a lifestyle change, learn how to tell the children in your lives about it without it being a display of what you currently hate about you. Tell them about how eating differently and exercising is a means to improve your quality of life so that you can live longer and enjoy yourself more in the process.

It’s not the easiest thing in the world for us to be kind to ourselves, but if it means that just one of my baby cousins or nieces never has to sob in a fitting room because she had to “go up a size”, it’s worth every effort.

Until next time (when the menfolk will get an ear full), this is Stacie, your friendly neighborhood Actress Geek, saying love yourself. Do it for the children.

Also, if you enjoy reading this blog, you might enjoy following me on Facebook.

Actress Geek in a Two-Piece...maybe

This is a fantastic problem to have.

My bras are too big in the band while staying the same in the boob and the bottom of last year’s tankini falls off like I’m auditioning to be the new Coppertone baby. Most of my dresses look like I’ve raided mom’s closet for a tea party with beanie babies and don’t even get me started on my pants. None of my clothes fit.

I repeat: this is a fantastic problem to have…but it’s still a problem. See, as it turns out, clothing is not free and I am not rich. I also am going to the beach in two weeks. My first priority has to be a new swimsuit, but what do I buy? I’ve been fairly married to the tankini since its introduction into society about a decade ago, but I’m also a busty lass which means that halters tend to be the most flattering. I also can’t spend much on the swimsuit because it will likely only get one or two uses before the summer’s out and next summer will be a completely different ballgame.

Finally, and most poignantly, there’s the simple truth that I have always had a distorted image of my midsection.

Maybe it was the magazines with the tiny models. Maybe it is the echo of my grandmother’s voice whispering about a random girl on the beach who was wearing a bikini when she “ought’nt”. Maybe it is remembering my girlfriends from high school struggling to pinch an inch of flesh to complain about their own “fatness”. I don’t know.

Likely, it stems from the fact that I have always been my worst critic when it comes to my body.

I have currently lost 29.8 pounds. My waist is only three inches away from the smallest I’ve ever been and I still haven’t gotten up the guts to publicly wear the pair of black shorts I bought in June. I usually feel great in clothes. I wear my clothes like a champ. It’s where the clothes aren’t that’s the problem. Thus, the terror of shorts: I fear them. I fear them like they have giant zipper teeth, waiting to rip my flesh.

I swear I don’t need a therapist.

The most honest thing that I can say is that, quite simply, I have absolutely no idea what my midsection looks like. I mean, I know what it looks like, but I don’t understand where it scales with the rest of the tummy world. I could look at just about any other person and say whether their best look would be a string bikini or a strategically placed tent, but me, I’m a complete mystery. Am I still a tankini girl or can I venture into some more revealing territory?

Quite frankly, it was while writing this particular blog entry that I realized I probably have some sort of mental disorder regarding my body image. An anorexic girl looks in the mirror and sees fat. I’m not there, but I certainly don’t see me accurately. If I were a therapist, I’d probably tell myself to buy a modest suit that displays some of my midsection, go into public, and suffer through the fear. Maybe then I would learn that nobody else cares if I have a little extra on my tummy. Maybe that would help me with any tendencies of narcissism.

Then again, if I dealt with my narcissism, I probably wouldn’t write a blog about my weight loss for the world to read.

I’ve already figured out the solution to my problem and it’s not spending money on therapy or purchasing my very own tent. I am passing the buck. Since I don’t know what my tummy looks like, I’m taking a friend with me who does…and, since she’s personal shopper, I know I can trust her to tell me the truth and help me find something that works. But, before I do, here are some truths that I know in my head, even if I can’t convince my heart:

1. No one owns the exclusive rights to wear a bikini. If you want to wear one, by God, wear one. Whatever your body type, I respect the fact that you can do something with ease that I fear like nobody’s business.

2. Whatever style you’re wearing, wear it in your size. We’ll only notice the size of what you’re wearing if you’re wearing it a size too small.

3. Confidence is the sexiest thing you can ever wear. It never goes out of style and pairs well with a cocktail and a great pair of shoes.

Until next time, I’m Stacie, the Actress Geek (in a two-piece) (maybe)

Ten Things for Ten Percent (and Three for Three Setbacks)

A couple of weeks ago, I reached my goal of losing 10% of my total body weight. Over all, the process has been really positive. I’ve made a loss most weeks and even when I haven’t made a loss, I’ve been able to keep going, a feat that has always eluded me in the past. In honor of each percent lost, I give you something that this process has done or is doing for me. A top ten, if you will.

1. I fit into my clothes better.

Yeah, I know that this one seems obvious, but it’s more than just the size and shape. Suddenly, pants (pants that fit before, I might add) don’t ride up as much. When I sit down, there’s less of the not-so-elusive muffin top poofing out, making me less self-conscious when I’m sitting down to chat with friends.

2. I’m enjoying food more and eating more full-fat products.

WHAT?! Eating more full-fat products? How is that even possible?! I can hear the groans of incredulity coming from the peanut gallery, but it is absolutely true. In previous journeys with weight loss, I became married to processed butter sprays and anything that could guarantee I could eat more with less impact on my weight. Well, clearly that didn’t work, so why would I continue to pursue that path? When I make polenta, I add a teaspoon of real butter for 1 PointsPlus instead of a quarter cup of something that is 0 PointsPlus, but made in a chemistry set. There is something to be said for being able to pronounce all of the ingredients on the container and that something is “mmmmmm”.

3. I affect the health of those around me.

There’s something to be said about the leadership that a woman provides in her household. I’m the one who started Weight Watchers in 2004 (when Lucas and I had only been dating for 6 months), but we both reaped the benefits. He and I both got down to a very healthy weight and stayed there for nearly two years. I got used to getting messages from my man about how many Points he’d used for lunch or that he’d just exercised during his lunch break. Yes, we lost the weight together, but I was the leader of the effort. I was also the leader of the effort when we gained it back. I stopped going to meetings, but I wasn’t the only one to start gaining weight. Even now, I’m the one who goes to meetings and brings back information to the household. If I didn’t, who would?

It doesn’t end there. I get calls from friends about nutritious recipes or ways to cut back. I get questions from the members at the gym about how to be healthier. By getting healthier and putting myself first, I’m helping others to improve their own lives. That makes this all the more worthy a task for me.

4. My skin went from fine, to terrible, to unbelievably fantastic.

I’m serious. During the first few weeks of changing my diet, my skin became an unholy plague of wanton destruction. I swear I looked like every “before” picture ever taken. Then, suddenly, it went away. I’ve always had good skin. I take care of it even when I don’t take care of the rest of me, but now it is even better. It glows. I, a self-appointed makeup guru, sometimes go out without a stitch of makeup by choice instead of lack of time. My husband, a self-appointed makeup hater, has never been happier.

5. I’m more organized.

Okay, I’ll be fair. I’m still not organized enough to get a new blog out every week, but I’m getting there. Every single time I plan a meal schedule and actually stick to it, even if only mostly, I make for my family a more organized life. When I write down what I eat and when, I give myself an idea as to where time is being spent and how to better use my time and money, even to the point of discovering that certain things in my life, while being satisfying in some ways, were not benefiting me as a whole. While I’m on that point…

6. I’ve done a lot of life detoxing. Fun fact: detoxing is not actually a word.

While I fully recognize that quitting my healthy lifestyle before ultimately fell on me, I also realize that there were a lot of other factors in my decision. I allowed myself to get pulled in many different directions by many different things, some of which were toxic to me spiritually. These things made me more likely to say “I’ll get to it later”, the death knell of healthy living. I’ve looked at my life and am learning to let go. Sometimes that means saying “no” to a job that’s not right for me. Sometimes it means hiding a friend on facebook who wears me down without building me up. Heck, I refused to put this blog on facebook for months because I didn’t want my grammar Nazi friends to judge the fact that I like to blog the way I talk, without any regards for grammatical propriety. I’m letting go and allowing myself to do what makes me happy.

7. For the first time in my life, I want to be stronger instead of thinner.

My whole life has been for me a quest to be thin. Sure, I’d say the “real women have curves” bit and the “I’m fine with the way I was built” bit, but, deep down, I really wanted to be thin. I wanted to be the easy size 4 without having to work for it. I was fine with the idea of “skinny fat” as long as “skinny” was there. Now, my mindset is actually changing. I want to continue getting healthier, but I don’t really care if that means getting thinner. I know that will be a likely side effect and I will like it as it happens, but, ultimately, I don’t want to be thinner, I want to be stronger. I want to continue to be able to do more and more with every workout. I want to challenge myself physically and prove to myself that I can do anything I set my mind to.

That said, I still don’t give a crap about running a 10K. Sorry, not on my to do.

8. I’m not afraid of the naked me.

Sorry, close friends of mine who read this blog and are feeling slightly awkward right now, it has to be said. I can look in a mirror in my birthday glory and not feel the least bit ashamed of what I see. I’m proud of the fact that my chest is ample and my rear round. I like that I have strong shoulders and that my arms are starting to get that telltale line just below my triceps. Sure, I could have felt this way about myself 20 pounds ago, but I never took the time to and I should have. In my lived life, I should have taken more time liking me and less time figuring out what I needed to change in order for me to like me.

If I had any money right now, I’d hire a photographer to take shots of me to post to show people that beauty is not about size or shape, but about how you feel about yourself when the shot’s being taken. Of course, I wouldn’t do any nude shots. I’m from a small town in the Deep South. Nude shots would make all the Cracker Barrel paraphernalia shatter off the walls of my Nana’s house. All of her little porcelain angels would weep and I could never return home again. We don’t want that. I would settle for some pictures of me in a classic dress that show off my best assets.

9. I’m seeing the beauty in other people.

You know, it’s a lot easier to judge other people when you’re always looking down on yourself. When I take time to like me, I’m much more likely to notice that a friend of mine’s eyes contrast brilliantly with her hair or that a colleague has really been amping up his workouts. I’m seeing people better because I’m not trying to figure out if they can see the things in me that I don’t like. When you’re not hiding anything, you’re freer to pay attention to the exceptional people in your life.

10. I love my husband (and others) more than I ever thought possible.

Okay, this seems like it might be unrelated, but through this process of loving me more, I’ve opened up even more room for my husband in my heart. Since we’ve been together, I’ve loved Lucas more and more with every passing day, but now, the love has begun growing exponentially faster. By not being burdened with negative thoughts about myself, I’m a better wife to my husband. I’m a better friend. I’m a better daughter. I’m becoming a version of me that is better and is making a difference in those around me.

So, those are my Ten things that this weight loss has done for me, but in my journey towards ten percent, I have a had a few setbacks. Three, to be precise. I gained weight twice and skipped weigh-in and meeting once. In “honor” of my three setbacks, I’d like to give you three things that weight loss has NOT done for me.

1. Losing weight does NOT make me prettier.

Honest to goodness, I am no prettier now than I was 20 pounds ago. Beauty is not in the size I wear, but how I wear the size. If people think I’m prettier now because I’m lighter, it’s either because they see that I’m healthier and happier as a person OR because they’ve bought into the hype that you can only be sexy if you’re built like a prepubescent boy (heroin addict chic, I like to call it). Quite frankly, I have little use for anyone in the latter category.

2. Losing weight does NOT make other people any more tactful.

I think that anyone who is in the process of losing weight has this hope that everyone will notice what a difference five pounds makes and express that notice in the most eloquent way possible. Most people fall into three categories. Some truly do not notice because they have no skills in the observation department. For example, I was discussing something about clothing with someone where I said that things weren’t fitting me because I had lost 20 pounds. His response was to stare at me quizzically and say, “Oh. Have you really?” Some notice and have no tact about it whatsoever, like the woman at my gym who let me know that I looked less bloated. Most, however, do notice that you’ve lost weight and have no idea what to say because they’re terrified that it might send you spiraling into depression.

If you are one of the people in the above column, the safest way to complement someone on their weight loss is in one simple phrase:

“Hey, you look fantastic.”

That’s all you need to say. No muss, no fuss. If they want to discuss it further, they will at this juncture.

And my third thing that weight loss will NOT do is…

3. Losing weight does NOT mean that the voices in my head have gone away.

No matter how much weight I lose, there’s always a voice that will tell me that I’m not good enough…but only if I let it. It’s when I’m on the right track in my life that I become most vulnerable to nagging doubts and fears. That’s the point in time where I must be most mindful to think positive thoughts about myself, to say thank you to compliments instead of self-deprecating, and to believe that I deserve good things. I have to tell myself that nobody who is worthy of my friendship has ever thought less of me because I wasn’t skinny. It’s not the food that’s tripped me up in the past, it’s the mindset.

Well, that’s about all the time I have (and way too many words in my wake). I’ve got designs on a low-point mango panna cotta experiment for this afternoon and that gelatin isn’t going set itself. So, until next time, whether it’s me or someone else reading this blog, be kind to yourself and think good thoughts. The better part of the journey is always in the next step.

Thirty Minutes, Three Times a Week is Not Too Much to Ask

I work at a gym for women and I cannot stress enough how interesting and unique my days are. On any given day, I learn the proper ways to cook various foods, the wedding betrayals made by old friends, how to knit socks by the pair on 40 inch circular needles, and a variety of other sundry things. More than anything else, though, I hear about how little these women do for themselves on a day to day basis while being expected to do everything for everybody else.
I’ll give you an example.

One of my women only gets to the club about once a week and is thinking about quitting. Not because of laziness or lack of will, but because she is too busy. She has two kids who are school aged, one of whom is just shy of having her learners. They both play sports and participate in various other activities after school. Her husband has a full time job and is a member of the deacon board at their church. I know all this because when I asked her what she had that was hers, she began listing everything that everyone else in her household did that she makes happen. She chauffeurs, cheers in the stands, volunteers as a parent advisor/concessions worker/poster maker for most of what the kids do, and manages to get supper on the table most nights of the week, even if it’s just a “grab and go” sort of night.

Her family has all these different activities, but she’s the one without any time.

I sat down with her and talked about how she could make her schedule work with exercising. Her husband gets home at 5:30 and they live 5-7 minutes away from the gym. I recommended that he could take care of the kids’ needs from 5:30-6:15 while she runs here to get her 30 minutes in for three days a week.

Impossible. Why?


Her: “He’s been at work all day and is exhausted. He works full time.”

Me: “What time do you get up in the morning?”

Her: “5:30, to get the kids up and ready for school.”

Me: “And your husband?”

Her: “7:30 to be on the road by 8:30.”

Me: “Do you have any time off during the day?”

Her: “No, I’m pretty much taking care of the house and everything else all day. It’s why I can’t get here.”

If that sounds familiar to you, guess what, sweetie. You work full time, too. The only difference is that you don’t get paid for it and feel guilty because of it. We all feel guilty when we take care of ourselves first, often leading us to not take care of ourselves at all. The consequence of this is that we end up not taking care of anyone to the best of our abilities. I have personal experience in this department.

Growing up, I was the kid with the crazy schedule. Monday/Tuesday/Thursday rehearsals, Wednesday night church, Friday ballgames, Saturday show choir performances, Sunday church activities… Mom was toting me around everywhere while still working a full time job, the whole time neglecting herself for the benefit of my becoming well-rounded. The truth is, however, that I didn’t need all of those things at all much less at the expense of my mother’s health and well being. I would have gladly given some of it up so that she could have taken time for herself. If you’re a person who has kids, I’ll bet they’d say the same thing.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that taking care of yourself should not be something you only do when the timing is right. Sometimes, it’s a matter of telling someone “no”. Other times, it’s about letting your child fail at something now so they can win at something else later. Perhaps, more often than not, it’s about asking for help from those around you. If you wait for perfect timing, you’ll never get around to taking that walk, lifting that weight, or feeling the strength of your body begin comparing with the strength of your spirit. It’s not always easy, but it’s worth it. In the past two years, I’ve been laid off twice, performed in several shows, hosted multiple dinners, and assisted in fundraisers. Right now, I’m rehearsing one show, performing in another, called back for a third, teaching workshops at a local high school, writing a book about my family history for my grandmother’s 75th birthday, renovating our old home for new renters, working at the gym, applying for a job with a very long interview process…

…and that’s just this month.

On paper, I simply do not have time for me or anyone else. Therefore, I have had to make time. If I can make time for a healthier version of me, than anybody can.

Of Weight Loss and World Peace

The announcement of a mass murderer’s death was announced last night, making Facebook a verbal warzone. Some people were morbidly excited, vengeance dripping from their posts like bloody spit from wild dogs. Some spewed dissent anywhere they could play Devil’s Advocate. Some cheered for Obama’s mad terrorist-killing ninja skills, their conservative counterparts angrily protesting that the president had nothing to do with anything good ever and that Commander-n-Chief is really more of a casual title, like “World’s Greatest Dad” or “Governor of South Carolina”. Still others protested that his death doesn’t stop the war and, therefore, everyone should stop celebrating anything because it’s only going to make things worse in the end.

That’s what got me. The folks who said “THIS DOESN’T DO ANYTHING” weighed on my mind.

“The wars not over yall this is just the beginning so all yall can all stop celebrating”

Well, duh, friend from high school who hates punctuation. Of course the war is not over. I don’t think anybody thinks it is. In fact, most of us think we still have a lot of ground to cover. People are celebrating what they hope to be a step in the right direction.

Right?

To bring it back to what this blog is actually about, I was excited to lose 2 pounds my first week on WW, but I certainly didn’t think I was done there. It’s taken perseverance, half-pound losses that slowly work towards full ones. I had a three week plateau where the scale didn’t seem to move even though I was doing everything right. I didn’t see the results of the good I was doing for three agonizing weeks, but was rewarded for my perseverance with a three pound loss the next week.

Weight loss and World Peace have that very much in common. They are both cumulative efforts, sums of many small victories and setbacks that hopefully tip the scales on the side of good. Neither happens overnight, though we desire it to do so. Nobody agrees upon the best method to make it happen, though most think their method is the only one that will work. Both efforts are ongoing. They move in the right direction with 10 extra minutes on the treadmill or an outstretched hand. They can suffer with a dark thought or an extra cupcake. But, through metaphorical feast and famine, we carry on. When we are the victor, we cheer for a moment then we carry on. When we have a setback, we shake our head, wipe our eyes, and we carry on.

It’s the “carry on” in us that makes us resilient. It’s what makes us become better.

I leave you with my final Facebook post last night. My first post about the event was in jest, as many of my posts are, but this one is how I feel:

“So, here's the thing. I celebrate a victory that I hope is a step in the way of peace. I pray for the family and loved ones of someone who was ultimately a man, not a god, not an enemy, but a fellow human. I mourn the potential that was wasted on a life filled with hate and destruction. I pray for the ability to forgive and love a man who would not do the same for me.”

Hunger in a Time of Fullness...and Not in the Way That You Think

Some days should inherently be good. Good things happen. Heck, maybe even joyous things happen and that day should be inherently good. But it isn’t. Your mind tells you, “BE HAPPY!!”

But you can’t. For me, today is one of those days…

It started out well. I woke up this morning early enough to have a conversation with my husband, a rare treat in my household. I did a little cleaning. I had a long, delightful conversation with my mom. I went to my weigh-in and was down 3 pounds, the most I’ve ever lost in one week in the history of ever. I went to choir practice and was welcomed by a group of people who praised my abilities. One of my best friends received a high honor today that she deserved. This is a textbook good day.

But I’m not happy.

I feel guilty, under the circumstances, for not being happy and for how it affects me. I want to call my friend and tell her congratulations and that I’m happy for her, but I can’t. I can’t be happy for her because, right now, I can’t be happy at all. I send a text message instead. It’s amazingly frustrating, particularly because I know that either tomorrow or the next day, I’ll be absolutely filled with joy for her.

But today, I am emotionally impotent and it frustrates the hell out of me.

Currently, the only solace that I take from this is that when I look back at this day, I can say that my happiness is not completely tied to whether or not the scale shifts down. If I can be sad on a day where I lose, I can be happy on a day when the scale isn’t to my liking.

And at least that’s something.

The Cards Principle

You know, the last time I did this program I got thin. Really thin. But I always had this lingering thought in my head…

“Do I have to count Points forever?”

I mean, my friends don’t have to count points. Most of them can spend some extra time at the gym or cut back a little on their food intake and drop whatever they need.

“If I can just get thin enough, I won’t have to worry about it anymore. I’ll be like them, right?”

Most of you already know the answer to that question. No, I can’t. But I tried to. I stopped counting points. I stopped losing weight. Slowly Within six months, I gained 30 pounds. Ouch. That should have been my wake-up call. It wasn’t. I was pissed off. Pissed off because I thought I deserved to be like “them”, that I shouldn’t have to work harder than everyone else just to be an average size. I was pissed off because I thought I deserved better than what I’d been given. It wasn’t fair.

“It isn’t fair.”

It isn’t fair. That’s the point. We’re dealt cards in life. In my hand, I held Wit, Intelligence, Loving Family, and Creativity. I had some great cards, but couldn’t get past the fact that I wasn’t dealt Naturally Thin. The thing is, I have a skinny cousin who would have killed for my ability to get A’s without studying. I think we should have been allowed to switch cards, but it’s against the rules of the game.

We’re dealt cards in life. They’re not fair. They’re not unfair. They’re just what came off the top of the deck. They’re completely neutral.

So, I guess it’s not the cards in my hand that matter. It’s how I play them. Hmm…

I wish I had drawn the Realization About the Fairness of Life card a few hands earlier.

Right now, I'm looking at points completely differently. It's a way to stay in control, not just of my food intake and weight, but of my life. I know exactly what's going into my belly, what I'm doing with my workouts, and how they fit into my life. I know my schedule better than I ever have because I’m planning for what foods I will have within it. I’m in control. I like “in control”. Which brings me back to my original question:

“Do I have to count Points forever?”

No, but I choose to.